Brian Halberstadt, tempting womanizer whose romantic exploits are second only to select Democratic politicians, was caught meandering through a local mall with yet another woman. Or quite possibly the same one, though that wouldn't make nearly as good a story. (Indy Squadron slogan: "Let the true facts be known to the world and no one will read your paper").

Anyway, it was him and we can prove it. Enter Scott Campbell, prosecutorialsorta witness of the events in question. He testified under several oaths that he did indeed see Brian Halberstadt at the Circle Center Mall within 24 hours of an Indy Squadron gaming event. As he appeared to be enjoying himself, Brian was clearly in violation of the squadron statute which condemns all recreational activity not associated with Dawn Patrol. And this is not just cheap hearsay. Alright, this is cheap hearsay, but we can back it up with evidence from a credible witness who is by no means receiving a free parachute for his German pilot in our next game in return for his testimony.

Here is a direct quote from Scott himself, proving that Brian is indeed guilty of each of these charges beyond reasonable doubt, and probably several more:

"Hey, I saw Brian at the mall the other day."

So there you have it. Yet another act of flagrant disregard for the Indy Squadron, Dawn Patrol in general, new players, old players, Republicans, velcro, chocolate chip cookies and all things good and right. This from the same man who stole the Bonehead FitS Lapse Tin from right under our noses. Brian will be subpoenaed to appear before the Indy Squadron Board of Discipline and Condescension, at which time he may appeal his conviction, which of course, will be immediately turned down.

To Use Miniatures, Or Not To Use Miniatures, That Is the Question

The sun shone down brightly upon a cold and blustery day, a day with high passing cumulus and a cold wintry wind abated only by the solemn, enveloping warmth of the early morning rays. But none of this mattered since we were indoors.

Scott Campbell had worked hard to prepare a full size game board for miniature DP games at the Game Preserve. Although the first games used those blasted counters, at long last his chance came. While the game scenario was set, Scott set up the miniatures... long, green sticks with hash marks every inch or so, with funny wire contraptions holding the airplane miniatures aloft. Picture a tiny airplane about the size that a lady bug would fly strapped to a chopstick by a twisted paper clip, and you've just about got it.

The game started and just as everyone grabbed their miniatures and began to move, the airplanes slowly drooped into an ignominious nose-down position. Try as he might, Scott couldnt force them to stay level or nose-up, or sideways... or in any other position for that matter. Time and again he yanked them off the chopstick and fiddled frantically with the little wiry thing, muttering to himself all the while, only to have them again sag into their sad little droop.

Stephen, on the other hand, was having trouble with the entire 3D miniature concept. Instead of rationally gaining a better understanding of the entire dogfight and its spatial dimensions, he became hopelessly lost, despite the fact that he flew the only non-drooping plane on the board. In frustration, he finally attempted a head-on attack on Scott Jones, who was experiencing the typical frustration that Scott Jones always experiences when he doesnt have a better plane than everyone else. Saddled with a sagging two seater, the ill advised attack brought a merciful end to Scott's mission and an early conclusion to Stephen's 7/2 SE 5 pilot's career. Graham, of course, was perfectly composed throughout the ordeal, and didnt seem to understand everyone else's dilemma.

So the whole miniature experience was a bit lacking, although it must be said that the sagging planes were something of an unforeseen wet blanket. I don't know just what the answer to that problem is, but it must surely have something to do with velcro. In the meantime, Shakespeare's rhetorical query remains unanswered, and Scott is still muttering. ISD

Does Your Pilot Have Personality?

Does your favorite pilot truly have the type of personality flair that makes for memorable games, Marty Stever jokes, and future trivia questions? Those scoring 100 points or more on the following quiz do indeed, have character. Those scoring 50 points or less should be intentionally destroyed, retired, or at the very least, reprimanded.

• 50 points if this pilot has been on your roster for over 10 years but has less than 3 missions.
• If his primary aircraft has any number of wings except two, count 10 points.
• If he has ever shot his own wingman, count 800 points.
• If his guns invariably jam on the fifth turn of tailing a crippled opponent, count 50 points.
• If his first name rhymes with "Florence," or his last name includes the words "Tea" or "Pan," count 200 points (Indy players are rolling here; others are scratching their heads).
• Count 20 points for each time his name has been misspelled in the Dispatch.
• If he has been passed over for 3 consecutive promotions or failed on at least 2 medal rolls, count 150 points.
• Subtract 25 points if his name includes "Christian," "Johnson," or "von."
• Count 15 points for every top attack hes made on SE 5s. 30 if he did it on purpose. 100 if the SE 5 was on his side. 1,000 if it shot back.
• Add 20 points for every lost cut and 50 points for every player who refuses to fly with him.
• Add 1,000 points for each instance of remorseless atrocity. Shots at burning planes count double.
• Add 90 points for each blatantly stolen kill.
• If his name could be stamped on the bumper of a 1967 Volkswagon Beetle and not look strange, or if it could double as a kitchen appliance, add 100 points.

Pilots who have survived a parachute failure or an intentional overdive of more than 200 feet qualify automatically. Take this vital test and ask yourselfdoes my favorite pilot have personality?